usedshooshpap | 030 ♋ Text

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ROSE HAD HER MEMO LAST NIGHT AND I GUESS NOW IT'S MY TURN.
THOUGH DON'T EXPECT FUN AND GAMES HERE.
IT'S JUST THE CONTINUED RAMBLINGS OF A TROLL KID THAT STILL IS STUCK IN PINK, FLESHY ATTIRE.
PROCEED AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.
YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKING WARNED.

IN ANOTHER DAY OR SO, I WILL OFFICIALLY HAVE STARTED THIS CRAZY GODDAMN ADVENTURE ABOUT A YEAR AGO.
FOR HUMANS, I SUPPOSE THAT IS A LONG TIME
BUT FOR TROLLS, THAT'S ONLY REALLY THE EQUIVALENT TO ABOUT HALF OF ONE OF OUR "YEARS."
THERE IS YOUR TROLL SOCIETY FACTOID FOR THE DAY. SAVOR IT.
ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN HERE FOR THAT LONG.
FOR WE TROLLS, I THINK IT'S JUST VRISKA AT THIS POINT.
I DON'T KNOW
I'M JUST LOOKING BACK AT THIS LAST YEAR AND THINKING THAT FUCK, THINGS ARE REALLY DIFFERENT.
STRIDER POINTED OUT THE OTHER NIGHT THAT I'VE CHANGED.
ERIDAN DID THE SAME THING, BUT AS A MEANS TO GET UNDER MY FUCKING HUSK LIKE A BARB.
IT'S DEFINITELY TRUE, BUT ANYMORE I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S BECAUSE OF THE TIME I'VE SPENT HERE
OR IF IT'S REALLY JUST A COMBINATION OF THE HOOFBEAST EXCREMENT THAT SERVES AS MY LIFE AT "HOME" AND MY "JOHTO JOURNEY."
CIRCUMSTANCES THERE AND HERE ARE SO FUCKING DIFFERENT THAT THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE PARTED BY A VAST SEA THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO CROSS.
BACK ON THE METEOR, I HAD TAKEN TO TALKING TO MY OWN GODDAMN SELF LIKE A WIGGLER BECAUSE PAST ME WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT REALLY LISTENED TO MY CONSTANTLY RUNNING VITRIOL.
THAT HASN'T REALLY BEEN THE CASE HERE, EVEN WITHOUT MY MOIRAIL AND I'M LEFT WONDERING HOW MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE THAT REALLY MAKES.
I ADMIT, I'VE HAD SOME PRETTY ALL RIGHT PEOPLE TO TALK ME THROUGH SHIT.
KIMBLEE, ROSE, AND VANITAS HAVE ALL BEEN AROUND TO LISTEN TO ME WHEN I REALLY NEEDED IT.
THIS IS GETTING SAPPY AND WHATEVER, BUT FUCK IT.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR A WHILE AND JUST NEED TO GET IT OUT OF MY GODDAMN SYSTEM AND THIS IS THE CLOSEST MEANS TO
BECAUSE LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO GO OUT TO EVERY INDIVIDUAL AND SAY "HEY, THANKS FOR BEING NOT AS MUCH OF A LOSER AS YOU COULD HAVE BEEN."
SERIOUSLY, I KNOW WHAT I'M LIKE.
KARKAT VANTAS IS A RAGING DICK AT TIMES AND I'M NOT SO MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE THAT I CAN'T ADMIT IT.
SO TO THE MORONS OUT THERE THAT HAVE BEEN PUTTING UP WITH ME AND MY MOUTH (BECAUSE SOME OF YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT LANGUAGE AND I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT IS EVEN A THING TO BE CONCERNED WITH), I GUESS I OWE A BIT OF THANKS TO AS WELL.
YES, YOU CAN PICK YOUR JAWS UP OFF OF THE FUCKING GROUND, TO ANYONE STILL PERUSING THIS WALL OF "ANGRY" GRAY.
I AM THANKING PEOPLE AND I ACTUALLY AM BEING SINCERE ABOUT IT.
SHOCKING, RIGHT!? O:B
BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT. YEAH, I THINK I'M DIFFERENT NOW THAN A YEAR AGO.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING A HUMAN OVER BEING A TROLL
OR EVEN BEING A MUTANT TROLL.
IT'S BECAUSE SOME OF YOU ASSHOLES OUT THERE ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN AND THAT CONCEPT JUST ABSOLUTELY JUST BLOWS MY THINK PAN OUT OF THE METAPHORICAL WATER.
HOW DOES LIFE EVEN REALLY WORK, WHERE SHIT JUST CHANGES AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE WITH THIS GAPING EXPRESSION, STARING OFF IN THE DISTANCE, WONDERING HOW YOU EVEN GOT TO THIS POINT.
HONESTLY? IT'S SCARY.
AT THE START OF THIS "ADVENTURE," ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GET THE BADGES BECAUSE THAT WAS THE POINT OF THE GAME AND WINNING THE GAME WOULD SURELY PUT ME BACK TO WHERE I BELONG.
NOW?
I'M HONESTLY AT THE POINT WHERE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT OF EVEN RETURNING IS.
FUCK IT ALL, I'M *CONTENT* AND IT'S REALLY STARTING TO FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT
AS I DON'T EVEN REALLY REMEMBER A TIME WHERE I *WAS* SOMETHING SO ABSURD AS CONTENT.
ONCE AGAIN, I REITERATE HOW FRIGHTENING THAT REALLY IS.
AM I, EVENTUALLY, GOING TO TURN INTO SOMEONE THAT I DON'T EVEN FUCKING RECOGNIZE?
WILL IT EVEN BE A GOOD THING?
AT LEAST IN THE VEIL, I COULD TALK TO MY FUTURE OR PAST SELVES.
GRANTED, I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT THE FUCK FUTURE KARKAT WAS EVEN ON WHEN HE STARTED TO BE A PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE.
YET THERE WAS STILL SOME SECURITY IN AT LEAST KNOWING WHAT I WILL BE LIKE IN THE FOLLOWING HOURS, DAYS, AND WHATNOT STILL TO COME.
HERE? THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT MY FUTURE GRUBFUCKING SELF WILL EVEN BE LIKE.
WOW.
THIS GOT A LITTLE BIT AWAY FROM ME.
I DON'T EVEN REALLY RECALL WHAT I WANTED TO ORIGINALLY SAY ANYWAY.
ONCE MY FINGERS STARTED TO PRESS BUTTONS, THAT WAS ALL THAT SHE FUCKING WROTE.
NO CONTROL OVER WHAT I STARTED TO TYPE OR HOW COHERENT IT SOUNDS, NOPE.
THIS HAS BEEN KARKAT VANTAS, MAKING A COMPLETE FOOL OF HIMSELF.
HE IS NOW GOING TO FIND THE CLOSEST CAVE AND CRAWL IN IT TO DIE OF HUMILIATION
OR MAYBE JUST GO COMATOSE FROM HUMILIATION SINCE DEATH ISN'T A THING HERE.

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[Gonna be over here, in the doorway of their bedroom, after collecting his badge. Reading this whole thing on his gear.]

[ just gonna... abscond. out the door or something. ]

[What no. That's an arm snaking out at the last minute to catch Karkat so he can finish reading, holding on tight.]

[ he huffs, shooting a bit of a glare. ]

I want to go out.

[The hold is turning into more of a hug, his chin planting on Karkat's shoulder as he moves his gear with a half smirk.] Can I come with?

[ just sort of. not looking at Vanitas for a moment. ]

Any reason why you'd want to?

[Tips his head to try and get Karkat to look at him.] To be there, if you want. If you'd rather wander alone though, that's fine.

[The gear is clipping shut though and Vanitas is stuffing it in his pocket.]

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to be honest it aint like theres much to go back to
havve you really been here for half a swweep though
seems like a long time
maybe bein here so long stuck as a human is wwhats changin you
i mean as a race they aint really vviolent an act like pale sluts wwhat wwith their constant friendliness and caring concern to each other
sort a sickenin but maybe thats wwhats happenin or somethin
i dont knoww kar

OH PLEASE.
I WASN'T HIGH ENOUGH ON THE SPECTRUM TO FEEL INSANITY'S BURN.

yeah alright but still it wwas a serious question
or observvation
do you think bein human changes us

YOU APOLOGIZED AND ACTUALLY MEANT IT.
IT COULD BE FROM BEING HUMAN
OR IT COULD JUST BE GROWING THE FUCK UP.

wwell id much rather it be the second

HERE'S A QUESTION.
DO YOU EVEN GET AS BLINDED BY ANGER?

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I'll spare you the further humiliation that I'm sure would come with having this broadcast for the public to read, but I rather appreciate the mention.

It's been almost a year for me as well; believe me, I understand some of the thoughts you're expressing. Granted, I'm not sure that I would have expressed them so publicly...but to each their own.

Edited (god how do i word choice) 2012-10-01 08:44 (UTC)

I DON'T MIND SO MUCH THAT IT'S A PUBLIC THING.
MEMOS WERE SOMETHING I DID FOR A LONG TIME
EVEN AFTER NO ONE REALLY READ THEM ANYMORE.
IT'S JUST THAT I FORGET THAT THIS SHIT TENDS TO GET AWAY FROM ME.
LIKE, I START AT POINT A, BUT END UP TALKING MORE ABOUT POINT FUCKING Z OR SOMETHING.

I suppose it might just be something I'm unused to in several ways; Amestris didn't really have any sort of network such as this, for ease of long-distance communication. There was the phone, and telegraphs, but those aren't comparable.

Either way, however, I tend to find that if I start out discussing Point A and end up at Point Z, that's because Point Z is more important than I thought it was; the reason isn't always clear, but it usually becomes relevant later in some way. The world has a way of circling around like that, it seems.

It seems as though you've been giving a fair amount of thought to your situation - on the implications of becoming content here. How have you been managing, in that regard?

THEY REALLY, REALLY AREN'T.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO IF I HAD TO RELY ON ARCHAIC SHIT LIKE THAT TO COMMUNICATE.
AND, ONCE AGAIN, YOU SPEAK SENSE.
I DIDN'T THINK OF IT AS "WELL MAYBE ONE IS REALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE OTHER.
THAT SEEMS TO BE MORE OF THAT PSYCHOLOGICAL STUFF THAT ROSE ENJOYS OVER MYSELF.

[ takes a few minutes now. to think about the question. ]

TO BE HONEST, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I KNEW THAT IN THE END I'D EITHER BE CULLED OR GO INTO HIDING.
EVEN THOUGH I PRETENDED OTHERWISE, WITHOUT THE INTERFERENCE OF THE GAME, MY FATE WAS PRETTY MUCH SEALED.
WHO THE FUCK COULD BE HAPPY KNOWING THAT?
EVEN IN THE VEIL, I DON'T KNOW IF WE'LL MAKE IT OUT OUR SITUATION OR NOT
AND THOSE CONSEQUENCES ARE PRETTY SIMILAR.
EITHER WE WILL DIE AND FLOAT AROUND AIMLESSLY IN DREAMBUBBLES FOR THE REST OF FOREVER OR WE'LL WIN.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE WIN?
WE TROLLS HAVE NO METHOD TO START OUR RACE OVER. OUR MEANS OF REPRODUCTION WAS DESTROYED IN MOMENT WHERE A SEA DWELLER'S LACK OF THINKING TOOK OVER.
SO, ONCE AGAIN, THE FATE OF ANY LIVING TROLL IS TO KIND OF JUST TO FADE FROM EXISTENCE.
BEING CONTENT HERE MEANS THAT I TURN THE GODDAMN CHEEK TO ALL OF THAT.
IT SHOULD MEAN THAT I'M OKAY WITH BEING A HUMAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
IF THAT'S THE CASE, DOESN'T THAT MEAN I HAVE TO LEAVE THAT PRETTY MUCH DEFINED ME AND MY SOCIETY BEHIND?
THAT'S JUST ONE THING THAT MAKES ME SO FUCKING UNSURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
THE OTHER? WELL.
UH
THAT ONE'S JUST A BIT MORE PRIVATE AND PROBABLY BETTER DISCUSSED WITH MY NOW PRESENT MOIRAIL.

I wouldn't consider it leaving what defined you and your society behind, no. After all, you've been human all this time; you don't consider yourself to have left what you were in your own world, have you? You still consider yourself to be a troll, rather than human; that doesn't have to change, despite the fact that your physical form may have, and regardless of what you feel about this world.

And forgive my asking, as it likely isn't terribly relevant, but - "moirail"? I'm assuming this is something to do with those quadrants you've mentioned.

YOU SAY THAT, BUT THAT'S STILL A LEGITIMATE FEAR.
IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN NOW, BUT SLOWLY AS I SPEND MORE TIME HERE.
HELL, I *KNOW* I HAVE ADAPTED TO A MORE HUMAN STANCE ON THINGS.
I'M NOT JUST BRIDGING DIFFERENT CULTURES HERE, BUT MY GENETIC MAKE UP IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT IT USED TO BE.
TROLLS AND HUMANS JUST OPERATE ON A DIFFERENT WAVELENGTH ENTIRELY.
THE TWO RACES ARE WIRED DIFFERENTLY AND MY CONCERN IS THAT SINCE NOW I'M HUMAN, OVER TIME I WILL LOSE WHAT MADE ME A TROLL IN THE FIRST PLACE.
THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING IF THAT'S AN ACTUAL THING THAT CAN HAPPEN THOUGH, HUH?

ONTO SOMETHING MORE TANGIBLE THEN.
CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT GAMZEE WOULD PROBABLY LOSE HIS SHIT, EVENTUALLY, WITHOUT MY PRESENCE IT IS "TERRIBLY RELEVANT."
MOIRAILS ARE, YES, A PART OF THE QUADRANTS THAT I HAVE MENTIONED.
GAMZEE AND I ARE IN, WHAT TROLLS WOULD CALL, A PALE RELATIONSHIP.
HE MEDIATES MY PANIC SLASH PARANOIA BOUTS
WHILE I SMOOTH OVER HIS INDIGO BORN RAGE.
THE QUADRANT ITSELF IS ABOUT MEDIATION, OR TWO PEOPLE WITH PERSONALITIES THAT ARE JUST GOOD AT CALMING EACH OTHER THE MIGHTY FUCK DOWN.

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wow, has it really already been a year??
it does not feel like it has been anywhere near that long!
anyway, i am not sure how much this will mean coming from me since we havent actually talked in a while...
but i think you are a lot nicer than you give yourself credit for, karkat
and maybe we cant know how things will turn out here, but i do not really think that is a bad thing!
it just makes things more interesting and exciting, in my opinion
i dont really think this memo is anything to be embarrassed over, either
i just think its kind of sweet :)

MAN, I FORGOT YOU WERE EVEN STILL HERE.

hehehe....
well... yeah, i am
im sorry i havent talked to you in a while

[There's no point in trying to make excuses here. She promised herself back when the other Karkat disappeared that she'd try to get to know the next one better, but she really fucked that up.]

I HAD THIS WHOLE WALL OF RANT READY
FILLED WITH VINDICATED VENGEANCE AND THE LIKE.
IT HAD SOME COLORFUL LANGUAGE, ILLUSTRATIONS, AND EVEN A FUCKING FLOW CHART.
NOW I REALLY JUST AM PAST THE POINT OF EVEN GIVING A FUCK.

that sounds pretty impressive!
but i cant say i blame you
i really messed up
again

AGAIN?

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